Finding new friends…

Ever since my partner and I have moved to a new state and city, we have been aware of the need to find new friends. Approaching our second year of new residence, we have become more intentional about attending events where we might make some gay or lesbian friends.

We found a church we like, so we started attending more regularly. We belong to a couple of email groups and attended a few social gatherings. What have we discovered thus far?

The couples that we have had the opportunity to visit with, don’t visit back! We ask them non threatening questions, allow for a lull in the conversation, give them a chance to ask us something, and zippo!  Zero! After one and two hours of not being asked a single question, we are a bit stunned. Nobody seems interested in us.

So we took an inventory:

1. Did we make eye contact? Yes.

2. Did we ask about their interests, family, jobs, how they met? Yes.

3. Were we courteous? Yes.

4, Were we kind? Yes.

5. Did we smile? Yes

6. Toothless grin? No

7. Did we chatter nonstop? No.

8. Ask about money? No.

9. Ask about religion or politics? No.

10. Discuss Sex? No.

Obviously, we are still looking for friends. We have some more possibilities at the church we are attending, but if all else fails, there’s always straight people. I was just hoping at some point in my life, to have a few interesting lesbian friends. Wish us luck!

Technorati tags: friendship, gay friends, lesbian friends, new friends, making interesting conversation

 

a happy day to all mothers…

mom and son, 2004

mom and daughter, 1981

mom and daughter, 2003

mom and son, 2000

Technorati tags: family, relationships, parenting, mom, son, daughter, mothers, vaules, women

 

a mother to others…

They laid Ms. Ginny in the ground today. Her body rests peacefully after months of illness. I’ll always remember her as the woman who was a “mother to others.”

I first met Ginny when visiting the church that we eventually put our roots down into. As my eleven year old son and I tried to make a hasty exit out of the sanctuary, I was approached by a friendly woman who proceeded to make comfortable conversation. As this interesting dialogue approached the 15 minute mark, I glanced around to see if my son was still waiting for me. He was engaged in conversation with Ms. Ginny and her sister. Of course I hadn’t met Ginny yet, but any adult who made the effort to make a young visitor feel welcome, began to rate very high on my list.

As we became active in that congregation, it became obvious that Ms Ginny was a special person. Her smooth, calm voice had a way of conveying assurance and acceptance. She lived her life in a way that offered unconditional love to those who had been rejected. When other mothers renounced their sons because of their sexual orientation, Ginny was there to offer friendship, love, and a shoulder to cry on.

There is one Mother’s Day I hope I never forget. Ginny had recently fallen and needed assistance to walk. When she arrived at church, a member of the choir named Barry, greeted her affectionately. It was obvious that Ms. Ginny meant a lot to Barry. He pinned on a corsage and proudly escorted her to a pew. It was a touching moment. Ms. Ginny wasn’t Barry’s natural mother, but yet a real mother. She offered Barry unconditional love during a difficult time in his life, and became like family to him and his partner.

Yes, that part of the sanctuary is a little darker where Ms. Ginny usually sat. However, her life reminds me and all who knew her, the importance of being a loving presence. That place in the sanctuary will become brighter as others fill in for her absence. This is one way the love of God is passed on from generation to generation, learning from and being inspired by the saints who have lived amongst us.

Goodbye Ms. Ginny, thank you for showing us how to be a “real mother” to others.  ©2007

Technorati tags: mother to others, sexual orientation, unconditional love, love of God, saint, loving presence, real mother

 

#3 of 3 in series: five more issues to discuss online before meeting in person…

11) What kind of baggage does the other carry related to past relationships? What has been the length of time since the last serious relationship? What were the hurtful issues, have they been healed?

12) Are they married, are they still living together with their EX, what is their living arrangement? How attached are you to your location? Do you need to be near family and friends? How easily do you make new friends? If you were to live together, who would move?

13) What are their attitudes about sex, what kind of sex or stimulation do they most enjoy? Are you willing to try new techniques or expand your horizons?

(14) What place does faith or spirituality have in their life? What commonality or differences do you have in religious beliefs? How will you celebrate religious holidays and with whom?

15) Are they interested in a long term commitment or short term fling? Does this match your expectations? Is he or she the kind of person that you would logically choose or are compatible with if feelings and emotions weren’t involved?

By all means, this is not an exhaustive list, but a good place to start.  When you decide to meet in person, someone you’ve met online, hopefully their walk matches their talk.  If not, keep looking.  Truthfulness is an important foundation to a trusting relationship. Good luck and be careful out there!

See:  #1 of 3 in series: 

       #2 of 3 in series:

 

Technorati tags: online chatting, relationships, dating, sex attitudes, long term commitment, importance of religious beliefs, sexuality, values, relationship baggage

 

#2 in series: five more issues to discuss online before meeting in person

Discussing value issues before you meet, helps to determine how compatible you are with another.  Studies show that higher compatibility leads to happier relationships….especially if you are thinking long term.   It is easier to determine compatibility on many of the long term values before you become emotionally and physically involved.   After one’s hormones kick in, rational tends to get left in the dust.

Here are another five issues to discuss before meeting!

6) What physical limitations does the other have? How well do you do with caring for someone when they are sick? Do you mind changing plans and staying home when the other is not feeling well?

7) How do you feel about monogamy or open ended relationships? How do you feel about porn, about flirting online with others? Is it okay for your partner or spouse to go out with friends without you?

8) How “out” are you, to family, friends, work colleagues? Will the other be welcome at family gatherings?

9) Are you a homebody or a party animal? What kinds of activities do you picture the two of you doing together?

10) How do you feel about communication, contact with ex-lovers? Is it okay for ex lovers to meet alone or only in group situations? Why or why not?

Technorati tags: dating, relationships, values, compatibility, monogamy, extramarital, homebody, exlovers, online chatting

 

#1 in series: five issues to discuss online before meeting in person!

As indicated in a previous post, my partner and I met in an online chat room. This past weekend we were discussing things that we knew and wished we known, prior to meeting. Assuming you are an adult and single, if you’re falling for someone you’ve met online,  or offline for that matter,  we recommend discussing these things for compatibility before getting emotionally involved.  They reflect some pretty big value issues.

1) Does the other have any children, how many, what are the ages. Are you interested in becoming a parent short term or long term?

2) Does the other have pets, how many, do they sleep in bed? How do you feel about pets, about taking them with you on vacations, getting up in the night to let them outside, peeing on your carpet, scratching your furniture?

3) How much debt does the other have, what financial goals does she/he have? Financially independent? Do you mind spending your money on the other’s debt? Which comes first: new entertainment items, household items or utility bills?

4) Does the other have a career or will any job do? Certain careers such as doctors, clergy, law enforcement, will present special challenges for a social and family life. Which comes first, your relationship or your job?

5) Does he/she have any interests or hobbies that they are very involved in and require participation in on weekends? Do you have hobbies, do you mind spending weekend time alone?

dr pers

Technorati tags: dating, relationships, online chatting, compatibility, values, debt, career, children, pets, consuming hobbies, time alone

 

five reasons to love again…

Five reasons to love again…

1. There is always hope. (Even if you’re older and I am a prime example.)

2. Time does heal, give yourself plenty. (think in terms of months and not days!)

3. Not all women or men are the same. (we’re all a little dysfunctional, but do your homework!)

4. There is someone, somewhere, who will appreciate you. (Don’t fall for the first one who winks.)

5. “It is better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all.” (Alfred Lord Tennyson)

dr pers  ©2007

Technorati tags: love, dating, relationships, healing, sexuality, hope

 

Five reasons to forgive…

Five reasons to forgive:

1. Life is too short.

2. Harboring bitterness is not healthy.

3. Carrying the burden of hurt and anger becomes heavier and heavier.

4. Forgiving does not mean forgetting.

5. There is more power and freedom in letting go.

dr pers   

 

Technorati tags: forgiveness, faith, spirituality, relationships, family, parenting, women, values

 

rejected for being heterosexual…

An old friend is one of the most moral, ethical people I have known. Her main fault is that she is Canadian (laughing to myself)!  She is a life skills counselor, does group therapy for federal parolees, counsels drop ins, and arranges housing for newly released prisoners. Day in and day out she deals with chemical addiction, child neglect, spouse abuse, and helping people sort out their options.

No matter how filthy and disgusting a client may be, she treats them with respect and dignity. “After all” she says, “they are human beings like everyone else.”  My friend has a true desire to help people make changes and cope with life.

She is a single parent to a kind, sensitive, young man.  He is the kind of guy you’d like your daughter to date. (Please don’t ask for his phone number.  lol)

Through many phone calls and email, I tried to support my friend thru the illness and death of her brother. He was ill for at least two years and was in much pain the last three months of his life. My friend would work a stressful day and then spend several hours at the hospital with her brother. When others in the family could not stand to visit him and see him in such pain, she would go to comfort and hold him.

Not only is she talented, but a compassionate, ethical human being. Yet, there are some who would reject her because of one tiny factor…. she is heterosexual!  Imagine…. not seeing the beautiful person that she is because of her sexual orientation!  If I were just fibbing and she’s lesbian, would it make any difference?     ©2007  dr pers

Technorati tags: sexuality, lesbian, women, values

 

Unbelievably, I went to a lesbian chat room…

I expected God to bolt me with lightning when I entered a lesbian chat room! 

When my hearing loss began to interfer with my pastoral duties, I moved to an administrative position that required less group communication. The move from a leadership position began to loosen buried thoughts and emotions.  I began to give myself permission to explore what I had long suspected and suppressed for years.  

A big question in my mind was, are there other gay people, other lesbians like me?  The stereotypes portrayed in the media were embarassing. The media often shows gays when they are dressed to the extreme for parades and portrays us as undesirable psychos.  I wanted to know if there were other ordinary-looking professional lesbians who valued monogamy, long term relationships, children, God and community?

As I searched the internet, I eventually ended up at a popular chat site.  It was here that I got to know some wonderful, mature women who had simular values and were also looking for lesbian friendships. For several years I chatted with this group.  Along the way, I became more and more comfortable with who I am and self acceptance. 

Yes, there are ordinary, stable, moral, professional lesbians out there with similar values!     dr pers  © 2007