Choosing Sexual Orientation

There still seems to be a lot of people who think that gay people choose their orientation.

My nephew asked his mom (my sister), how it was that my partner came to be a part of our family?  He  finally noticed that she came with me regularly to family events and she seemed to fit in.  My sister   decided it was time to tell him that I was a lesbian.  

He did not have any extreme or shocking reaction, but his question was rather typical.  He asked if I had dated guys much in high school, which I hadn’t, so he thought that was an explanation for not liking men.  I just didn’t have enough experience with the opposite sex!

There are those who tend to think that one needs to date the opposite sex, or just haven’t met the “right” opposite sex to ring your bells.  So let’s reverse this kind of logic for the straight individual.

1.  Does a straight person need to date and fool around with the same sex in order to know whom he/she is attracted to?   Seems kind of ridiculous doesn’t  it?

2.  If you are straight, at what age did you choose  to be attracted to the opposite sex?   Not many straight people I know can answer that.  So why are there people who think we made a choice about our sexual orientation?

Yes, there are some in the world who go back and forth between same sex and opposite sex.  It sure seems like its a choice, doesn’t it?  There are also many of us, who stick regularly with the opposite sex, or same sex, and it wasn’t a conscious choice.

No, most people don’t choose their sexual orientation.

dr pers  © 2009

Technorati tags: choosing sexual orientation, choosing to be gay, choosing to be straight, sexual orientation

 

Pride parade or freak show?

In a Yahoo group that I belong to, an interesting discussion surfaced about the nature of this year’s Pride Parade. The response that follows was written by a passionate woman named Sarah.

“I will fight to the death for anyone’s right to free speech, including Fred Phelps right to picket faggot funerals… (his words with freedom of speech, not mine).  HOWEVER…. there is also a time and a place for everything.. and letting your butt cheeks hang out in public is never appropriate, nor is tweaked out crystal heads humping their boyfriend of the day, while the local tv films it and says .. oh look at what gay and lesbian people look like and this is what they are proud of…

At my age, and God am I starting to sound old, I want to give people a view of who we are every day. The less shocked they are at who we are and how we behave, the more we will be accepted.  I think it would be an awesome moment in gay and lesbian history if all the teachers showed up dressed to teach, the moms and dads who have children ride a float showing off their families, the firefighters and police officers in uniform, the judges in their robes, the lawyers in their suits and the doctors in their scrubs…. instead of seeing my local firefighter wearing ass less chaps and nothing else.

It is not a FREAK Parade, it’s a PRIDE Parade…. however, it has become a freak parade of nothing more than Drag Queens and Twinkies…. . instead of showing the entire community for what we are as a whole..

As you age, you will also realize you don’t gain acceptance for outlandish behavior, but normal behavior scares the hell out of the straight community. And if we give them the freak parade they want, then we have no one else to blame for the discrimination we suffer…
Fly your freak flag…. just stand over there…..”

(Posted with Sarah’s permission)  ©2008

Technorati tags: Pride Parade, homosexuality, gay, lesbian, discrimination, freak, gay community, acceptance, normal behavior

 

action in the bedroom…

After a Friday night of eating out and visiting the local garden store, I suggested to my partner that maybe we should consider going to a theater for a good action movie. Without missing a beat, this serious techie woman said, “I get enough action in the bedroom, I don’t need to see a movie!” I slowly turned my head towards her, blushed and burst out laughing.  She and I both know that most of the action in our bedroom is related to watching HBO!  Oh my…. I sure did feel good for a minute or two!

 

Technorati tags: action movie, action in the bedroom, relationshps, lesbians, humor

 

#3 of 3 in series: five more issues to discuss online before meeting in person…

11) What kind of baggage does the other carry related to past relationships? What has been the length of time since the last serious relationship? What were the hurtful issues, have they been healed?

12) Are they married, are they still living together with their EX, what is their living arrangement? How attached are you to your location? Do you need to be near family and friends? How easily do you make new friends? If you were to live together, who would move?

13) What are their attitudes about sex, what kind of sex or stimulation do they most enjoy? Are you willing to try new techniques or expand your horizons?

(14) What place does faith or spirituality have in their life? What commonality or differences do you have in religious beliefs? How will you celebrate religious holidays and with whom?

15) Are they interested in a long term commitment or short term fling? Does this match your expectations? Is he or she the kind of person that you would logically choose or are compatible with if feelings and emotions weren’t involved?

By all means, this is not an exhaustive list, but a good place to start.  When you decide to meet in person, someone you’ve met online, hopefully their walk matches their talk.  If not, keep looking.  Truthfulness is an important foundation to a trusting relationship. Good luck and be careful out there!

See:  #1 of 3 in series: 

       #2 of 3 in series:

 

Technorati tags: online chatting, relationships, dating, sex attitudes, long term commitment, importance of religious beliefs, sexuality, values, relationship baggage

 

#2 in series: five more issues to discuss online before meeting in person

Discussing value issues before you meet, helps to determine how compatible you are with another.  Studies show that higher compatibility leads to happier relationships….especially if you are thinking long term.   It is easier to determine compatibility on many of the long term values before you become emotionally and physically involved.   After one’s hormones kick in, rational tends to get left in the dust.

Here are another five issues to discuss before meeting!

6) What physical limitations does the other have? How well do you do with caring for someone when they are sick? Do you mind changing plans and staying home when the other is not feeling well?

7) How do you feel about monogamy or open ended relationships? How do you feel about porn, about flirting online with others? Is it okay for your partner or spouse to go out with friends without you?

8) How “out” are you, to family, friends, work colleagues? Will the other be welcome at family gatherings?

9) Are you a homebody or a party animal? What kinds of activities do you picture the two of you doing together?

10) How do you feel about communication, contact with ex-lovers? Is it okay for ex lovers to meet alone or only in group situations? Why or why not?

Technorati tags: dating, relationships, values, compatibility, monogamy, extramarital, homebody, exlovers, online chatting

 

#1 in series: five issues to discuss online before meeting in person!

As indicated in a previous post, my partner and I met in an online chat room. This past weekend we were discussing things that we knew and wished we known, prior to meeting. Assuming you are an adult and single, if you’re falling for someone you’ve met online,  or offline for that matter,  we recommend discussing these things for compatibility before getting emotionally involved.  They reflect some pretty big value issues.

1) Does the other have any children, how many, what are the ages. Are you interested in becoming a parent short term or long term?

2) Does the other have pets, how many, do they sleep in bed? How do you feel about pets, about taking them with you on vacations, getting up in the night to let them outside, peeing on your carpet, scratching your furniture?

3) How much debt does the other have, what financial goals does she/he have? Financially independent? Do you mind spending your money on the other’s debt? Which comes first: new entertainment items, household items or utility bills?

4) Does the other have a career or will any job do? Certain careers such as doctors, clergy, law enforcement, will present special challenges for a social and family life. Which comes first, your relationship or your job?

5) Does he/she have any interests or hobbies that they are very involved in and require participation in on weekends? Do you have hobbies, do you mind spending weekend time alone?

dr pers

Technorati tags: dating, relationships, online chatting, compatibility, values, debt, career, children, pets, consuming hobbies, time alone

 

Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

Kerry: Some people stay in abusive relationships because they are afraid of what will happen if they leave, and the changes that will follow.

dr pers: Some stay because they don’t think they have enough economical resources of their own, to “go it alone.”

Kerry: Some stay in abusive partnerships because they have become “comfortable with the uncomfortable.” In other words, “it is hard being in this relationship, but it’s all I know and I’m stuck with it”.

dr pers: Some stay because of religious beliefs and cultural backgrounds.

Kerry: Some try to cope, try to change their partners or hope that their partner will change on their own. All I can say about waiting for your partner to change is, “let me know how that goes”.

While this list is rather simple, we acknowledge the issues are more complex.

Technorati tags: dating, marriage, partners, homosexuality, lesbian, abuse, relationships, family, fear, change, unkown, religious beliefs, culture, change partner

 

Making a good decision about breaking up or staying together…

Downright Personal asked an experienced counselor what people should consider in making a good decision about whether to break up or stay in their relationship.  This is her response.

I would ask myself these questions:

1) do I experience some kind of healthy pleasure on a daily basis in this relationship?

2) am I part of the decision making equation in our relationship?

3) do I give, and receive respect in this relationship?

4) are my physical and emotional needs being met most of the time?

5) is there love, nurturing and support in this relationship?

6) is there enough trust that each of us can grow in this relationship?

The counselor concluded with this:  If you answer no to all of these, or even one of them, consider evaluating the reasons you are in this relationship.   If you have a hard time evaluating, please consider asking for help from your support system or a counselor.  It’s hard to see your way out if you’re in the eye of the hurricane!

 

Technorati tags: breaking up, dating, marriage, conflict, divorce, sexuality, homosexuality, lesbian, values, relationships, physical and emotional needs, trust, nurture, pleasure, love

 

Should you stay together without feelings of love?

kerry: “I’ve watched people in my life leave their partners because they believed they had fallen out of love. They believed that they just didn’t love their spouse anymore and they started to seek another person to fill that void. Perhaps as the years have passed, the passion has subsided and the old flame appeared to have gone out.

There is something interesting about this kind of breakup. After some time apart, or when the partner who was left, starts seeing someone else, something magical often happens. The smoldering fire starts to become a flickering flame, the heart starts to pitter pat again, jealousy is surprisingly felt by the “leaver” and “voila”, they reunite.

I am a firm believer, along with many relationship experts, that we can fall in love with our partners all over again. After all, there were reasons we fell in love with them in the first place. As long as a couple can look at what wasn’t working and make efforts to do things differently, the flame can rekindle in a healthy way. “

dr pers: “ One of the things that I use to say when performing marriage ceremonies is this: “love is a commitment, not a feeling.”  You can feel “in love” this week and “out of love” next week. To marry or partner with another is to say: “I will remain faithful to you even when I don’t feel like it.”

It is very likely, that after the intense feelings of anger and frustration have subsided, you will start to feel appreciation, love and respect for your partner again. In other words, don’t do anything stupid until your emotions have leveled off and you’re back in balance. This may take a day, a week or a month. Love is a commitment even when you don’t feel like it.

Feeling “out of love” isn’t a good reason to break up. Maybe the embers just need a little fanning?

See: ten reasons to break up

Technorati tags: dating, relationshps, breakup, divorce, commitment, no love, marital problems, lesbians, conflict, family

 

happy anniversary honey!

Today is our 6^th anniversary. Prior to 2001, I knew “marriage” was hard work, but not this hard!

My partner loves to garden… but should not dig holes. Guess who gets to dig holes in rock hard clay? I guess you could say I’m becoming the gardener’s assistant.

My partner loves to sleep with the ceiling fan on its highest setting. She would prefer 66-68 degrees temperature and I am a 72-74 temperature woman. We’ve resolved that by putting a “single” heating blanket on my side of the bed. How I love getting into toasty sheets rather than trying to get to sleep with freezing feet.

When we moved to our present location, my Mexican palate consisted of tacos. My partner loves Tex-Mex and there are three Mexican restaurants to every non Mexican one. I have learned to eat refried beans, quesadillas, Mexican rice, avocados, sopapillas, not a awesome accomplishment, but I’m making progress. Where are we eating tonight? Mexican, of course!

I love to decorate with deer horns. Yes..I came from the North Country, and a woman likes her deer horns! My partner has adjusted and I have my collection lining the walls of our living room. (Let me assure you, its very tastefully done!)

I had a teenager when we joined lives. She had no children. It was quite an adjustment for her. Watching my 23 yr old cry on her shoulder after he was married, was very touching. She has stepped up to the plate and made him feel loved.

Marriage is hard work, but there’s also easy times. I guess its like pedaling a bike up a hill, tough as nails. When reaching the top however, what a joy to coast downhill, what exhilaration and delight! Coasting and uphill pedaling…. hard work… but the rewards are worth it. Happy anniversary honey!    dr pers ©2007

See:  Ten reasons to marry or partner:  http://downrightpersonal.wordpress.com/2007/04/23/ten-reasons-to-marry-or-partner/

 

Technorati tags: marriage, partners, relationships, hard work, happy anniversary, rewards of marriage