Mom, I want to find my birth mother…

Every adopted parent wonders if the time will come when your adopted child will want to search and/or find his/her birth mother and father.   My time has finally come.

My son announced in December that he and his wife are expecting.  Baby check ups have led to my son wondering more about his hereditary health issues.  A phone conversation with him this month, led to a discussion about his birth mother. 

I have known a few things about her.  She was 14 years old at the time, a big factor in her decision.  Her parents had just had twins, so they felt they couldn’t afford another child at the time.   When my son would occasionally ask about his birth mother when growing up, I tried to answer as honestly and positively as I could. 

In this conversation, I told him that I had some pictures of her and other children.  Through the adoption agency, she sent a letter and pictures.  He has two sisters and a fourth child was on its way in 1994.   He was 10 years old and I thought too young to be given these pictures. He is now 24 and finding out for the first time that I’ve had this info.

He indicated that he would like to pursue locating her.  I took a package of adoption records and info to the post office today, the pictures too.  I feel most sad that I am not able to be with him and share in those moments when he views those pictures.   He lives too far away and I will not see him till late August.  He thought he would have more time now to start the process before the baby arrives.  And so it goes.       

This is just another step in the journey.  I have mixed emotions of course, and will write more about that in another post.

© 2008 drpers

 

Finding new friends…

Ever since my partner and I have moved to a new state and city, we have been aware of the need to find new friends. Approaching our second year of new residence, we have become more intentional about attending events where we might make some gay or lesbian friends.

We found a church we like, so we started attending more regularly. We belong to a couple of email groups and attended a few social gatherings. What have we discovered thus far?

The couples that we have had the opportunity to visit with, don’t visit back! We ask them non threatening questions, allow for a lull in the conversation, give them a chance to ask us something, and zippo!  Zero! After one and two hours of not being asked a single question, we are a bit stunned. Nobody seems interested in us.

So we took an inventory:

1. Did we make eye contact? Yes.

2. Did we ask about their interests, family, jobs, how they met? Yes.

3. Were we courteous? Yes.

4, Were we kind? Yes.

5. Did we smile? Yes

6. Toothless grin? No

7. Did we chatter nonstop? No.

8. Ask about money? No.

9. Ask about religion or politics? No.

10. Discuss Sex? No.

Obviously, we are still looking for friends. We have some more possibilities at the church we are attending, but if all else fails, there’s always straight people. I was just hoping at some point in my life, to have a few interesting lesbian friends. Wish us luck!

Technorati tags: friendship, gay friends, lesbian friends, new friends, making interesting conversation

 

no home to "come home" to…

After making a popular Midwest city our home for ten years, new employment would require my partner and I to move farther west to a new state.

Besides missing the liberal lifestyle of this smaller city, I felt horribly guilty that my son would not have a home to “come home” to. He was in the military and I prepared him in advance, that it was likely that we would have to move, when either my partner or I found a new job. I told him, that I felt terrible that he would not have a home to visit when he wanted to come back to see his friends. When I finished apologizing, my 20 year old son didn’t whine, didn’t try to make me feel guilty, but simply said, “that’s life, mom. Things are always changing.”

While my son didn’t get high marks in school, he gets high marks for understanding the twists and turns of life. Gosh, I love that kid!

Technorati tags: new employment, home, leaving home, life, change, understanding

 

raising a sensitive guy…

When I was raising my son, I wanted him to grow up and be a sensitive guy. It was okay with me if he cried, which he rarely did and he always claimed that “it didn’t hurt.”

When he was about 9 or 10, I decided to start a new morning ritual while driving him to school. I had hoped that he would remember it someday and pass it along to his children.

This is what I wrote and said to him everyday: “Be strong and gentle, brave and kind, be the best BJ you can be, with body, soul and mind.”

BJ got married this past February, before leaving for his second tour of duty to Iraq. This big, strong Marine in his dress blues, started to become very emotional as his bride came forward to meet him. The tears ran down his face as his bride joined hands with him.

He pulled it together to be able to give his vows. When it was all over, he cried while hugging his mom, his mom’s partner, and his grandmother. He seemed to be doing fine until his mom stood up to toast the newly married couple. Again the tears flowed.

I have never seen my son cry so much in his life. I still can’t get over it. I don’t know why I am surprised when he turns out like I had hoped he would be!

Oh yes, he gave me a gift after the wedding. It was obvious he was excited. It was a beautiful, cherry wood jewelry box, with this engraving: “Be strong, mind, body and soul.” Gosh, I love that kid.

Technorati tags: sensitive guy, crying, marriage, parenting, mother and son, newly married

 

Some things I learned from my dad…

1. Daughters are important too.

2. Daughters can do anything.

3. A daughter can operate logging equipment.

4. A daughter can play sports.

5. A daughter can ride a motorcycle.

6. A daughter can drive a snowmobile.

7. A daughter can mow lawn.

8. A daughter can change oil in a car.

9. A daughter can operate a boat and motor.

10. A daughter can help her father in the shop.

11. Its important to go to church.

12. Its important to be involved in your community and make a difference.

13. How to be funny.

14. How to be tolerant of your spouse’s quirks.

15. How to have fun.

16. How to enjoy life.

17. How to show love to your family.

18. How to acquire the respect of your family and friends.

What did your dad teach you?

Technorati tags: daughters are important, dad, family, parenting, church, sports, community, enjoy life, respect

 

A dad, a daughter and her power tools…

My dad and mom had three daughters and I am the one with the power tools. Maybe because I was the oldest, or the only one interested, Dad showed me how to run his power tools. Imagine… a lesbian that knows how to operate power tools!

This was in the late 60s and I wonder if my dad ever thought of himself as a feminist! It was amazing to me that my father was willing to share this knowledge and it didn’t matter that I was a girl! He showed me how to operate the drill press, grinder, the radial arm saw (my favorite), the table, saber and skill saws.

I would help him when he needed an extra pair of hands when he was trying to fix equipment. It was important to learn the names of different wrenches so that I could hand him the proper one and size when he asked for it. He was a self employed logger in the north woods. Machines and equipment would break daily. I didn’t like getting dirty, but I treasured the time with my dad.

Later in life, there were several times when dad and I would decide to stop at Menard’s or Home Depot and “just look around.” We didn’t’ really have to be purchasing something, we just found it enjoyable to look at what was available, new tools, new supplies for building. Better than being in a candy shop as we use to say!

My dad made his transition to everlasting life this past December. I thought of him when I installed a new rack for the garden hose yesterday. I could do it because Dad taught me. He taught me that I could do the unconventional. Women could do things that had been reserved for men, in the past.

Dad taught me confidence. I could enter a male dominated school and profession, I could adopt a child, I could provide for my family. There was something powerful in learning to operate power tools.  I’ll always be grateful to dear dad for his support and encouragement.   ©2007

Technorati tags: dad, daughter, power tools, lesbian, family, confidence, suppport, encouragement, father’s day

 

do’s and don’ts when moving on and dealing with grieving in-laws

1. If you must date within the first year or two of a partner’s death, please be thoughtful and respectful of other grieving family members. They will appreciate and love you for it.

2. Do not expect them to welcome or accept your new partner as a replacement of their son or daughter.

3. If you live in a small town, let your in-laws know that you are dating. Indicate that you want them to hear it from you, rather than someone else.

4. Do not go into details or introduce the new partner, unless the family asks questions or indicate that they’d like to meet your significant other.

5. Your need for acceptance and approval is NOT more important than a family’s need for time to grieve.

6. Do not bring your date or new spouse, to an in-law family gathering, unless 18 months have past since the death, or he/she has been invited.  If in doubt, ask the host. 

More reading:  grieving in-laws

Technorati tags: grieving family, grief, death, dating, moving on, acceptance, approval

 

grieving in-laws

I will be leaving soon to travel out of state to be with my mother for memorial day weekend. Monday is the first anniversary date of my sister’s death. My sister and I were the closest we had been in a long time, in the last year of her life. For most of our adult lives, she and I lived thousands of miles apart. During her last year, we had more opportunities to visit, reminisce and laugh a lot.

Except for the last year, I can’t say that I was really close to my 49 year old sister. However, when her husband announced six months after her death, that he was seriously dating someone, feelings of loyalty and anguish came gushing to the surface.

Feeling close to my mother, my former brother in law wanted my mother to meet this new woman that he was growing fond of. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, my mother agreed to let him bring her over. I am not sure if you can imagine how difficult this must have been for a grieving mother.

I can’t tell you the anger that I am still feeling when I heard he did this. He normally is a sensitive guy. He is hurt that I don’t want to meet his girlfriend during this visit. I told him that I am still grieving and it is too painful to see him with another woman.

I did not expect my brother in law to remain single forever. He is a thoughtful, loving person and deserves to be happy. If he couldn’t wait for a year, I wish he would simply have informed us that he was dating. It would have been hard to keep it from my mother and other sister anyway, as they live in a small town. I know there are no hard and fast rules about an appropriate length of time to grieve, but it is important to remember that all family members are in different stages of the grieving process. It seems that my brother in law thinks that because he has moved on, the rest of us have or should too.

 

Technorati tags: grief, death, in-laws, dating, length of grief process, anger, grieving mother

 

action in the bedroom…

After a Friday night of eating out and visiting the local garden store, I suggested to my partner that maybe we should consider going to a theater for a good action movie. Without missing a beat, this serious techie woman said, “I get enough action in the bedroom, I don’t need to see a movie!” I slowly turned my head towards her, blushed and burst out laughing.  She and I both know that most of the action in our bedroom is related to watching HBO!  Oh my…. I sure did feel good for a minute or two!

 

Technorati tags: action movie, action in the bedroom, relationshps, lesbians, humor

 

not realizing the potential…

My partner surprised me recently by giving me two extra wide monitors for my birthday.  Not realizing the potential, I was dumbfounded. What do I need (two) wide monitors for? (I didn’t say this out loud.) In her research, she read that video editing, working in Photoshop, is easier when you have more monitor space. We’ve talked about larger monitors for some time, but I really couldn’t imagine that it would be that big of a deal for the cost involved.

I told my sister, that J gave me two monitors for my birthday and she said, “what do you need two monitors for?” I said, “I am not sure, but J thinks I need them!”

We hooked up one monitor because this is going to require serious desk reorganization. A few days go by, my partner is wondering to herself if she made a big mistake with that big purchase. I open Photoshop several days later and whooooaaaaaa…. is this ever cool. I open up Microsoft Word and whooooaaaaa… is this ever convenient. I open up the video software…. and my lucky stars…. how did I get by with a 17 inch monitor before??

With an extra wide monitor, you can view two normal size pages at the same time, side by side. If you’re cutting and pasting, back and forth between two documents, or comparing information from two different windows, no opening or minimizing, or clicking to see what’s on the page behind. Extra wide means ample room to see numerous windows, which is a great blessing in video editing and Photoshop work.

My partner feels a LOT better that I love these new monitors and am anxious to get the second one hooked up. I told her it just took me a while to realize what a wonderful gift she had given.

This is so true in life isn’t it?  We don’t always recognize our blessings, the potential of our friends, our spouse and family members.  Hopefully, it doesn’t take a crisis to recognize the wonderful gift of those who love you.

 

Technorati tags: gift, potential, relationships, recognizing blessings